Cellar prices of wines are pitted against consumer ratings to compare the price against enjoyment. A wine is either under priced, over-priced, or fairly valued. Using a predetermined value curve based on my highly subjective but rather comprehensive experience with retail wine buying, I will tell which of the *three categories a given wine falls into.
*Actually there are five categories, but if you are the TLDR genre of wine lover, then you’ll have stopped reading anyway, and will most likely figure it out for yourself.
In the order of Best Value through to Worst Value, the categories are:
5-star value – “Just paid for itself”
– a wine that is such good value that you may as well just order a whole case because it is practically free. Any money you do spend on this wine has already been returned to you in the form of street cred, mystique, or datable eligibility.
4-Star value – “Straight to the pool room”
– this wine is definitely cheaper than it should be. Make a note of it, just in case you in a restaurant and need to offset those appallingly rude mark-ups that restaurateurs always add on. Wines like this are a little like aqueous cream; they ease the pain of paying the bill, and make you feel a little less like you’re being screwed.
3-Star value – “Dale dug a hole”
– It’s kinda what you would expect. If you buy a wine, and think to yourself, “yeah, I totally scored”, then that wine is better than this wine. This wine is just good enough to stop you from complaining to the manager.
2-Star value – “Tell him he’s dreaming”
– You’re paying more than you need to for this wine. If you have an affinity for the winemaker, estate, or even just the pretty label, then it probably won’t bother you too much. If you’re an incorrigible bean counter, though, then read a few more posts on this blog and you will find a better wine for less.
1-Star value – “Suffer in your Jocks”
– You just got robbed. Through your face. Every sip taken is like a low level assault. You get better value from paying your TV license.